Another piece by yours truly. Recently, in my quest to blog more frequently, I've had to make some decisions. One of which was 'what type of a blog do I want to present?' Do I want to simply get my name out there for business purposes or do I want to create something that is an extension of myself. Well, as you may have noticed, if you've followed this, I've chosen to offer myself up on the internet. I do not know the day that this was written. I do know, that the last paragraph indicates that I had already left my toxic relationship. Yet, perhaps you will read between the lines and understand the excruciating decision this was for me and the ultimate confusion that clouded all of my perceptions.
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This poem I wrote in 2007...a full 2 years before I was able to actually say goodbye forever. How long it takes sometimes to be able to do the hard things that are right for ourselves.
"I'm so tired of this" Isn't that what I say Everytime I feel like just running away. That's what I'm best at I wish it weren't true; Especially good at running from you. When closeness comes Up go my shields I can't risk closeness and all that it yields. My heart has been broken By those who knew better Now it's closed to the one I'm pledged to forever. My hope is one day You'll see who I am And you'll open this heart and hold it in your hand. Soul searching.
Who would have ever thought it would be so painful. The idea that we are who we are and there's not much to be defined has littered my intellect for many years. Recently, it has come to my attention that I've been a sheep. I've followed. I've followed whoever I was told to follow. I've followed the rules. I've followed the lifestyle and morality my religion told me to. I've been a follower. It's not hard to understand why, when I consider I had so many people that I followed when I came into this world. I followed 4 brothers and 2 sisters. I followed a broken marriage, a violent dysfunctional one. Now...now I'm soul searching. Why do I desire what I desire? Why do I do what I do? Why do I still follow? Just the other day I followed again. I followed somebody's opinion of me. You see, following doesn't mean that you simply follow in deed. Following also means that your thoughts follow someone else's. Following also means that your opinions follow those of others. Your ideas follow those of others. Your moods follow those of others. Soul searching on the other hand is a singular activity. It is not possible to follow someone into soul searching. Soul searching is simply looking inward...curiously, compassionately, lovingly, non-judgmentally. JoLee |
AuthorI'm a people loving, truth grappling, life discovering individual, who was taught by the young in my life that there is no "normal". Archives
December 2021
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