<![CDATA[JoLee Scott My Journey Counseling - Blog]]>Thu, 29 Feb 2024 12:04:45 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[In Her Eyes (2007)]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 17:30:00 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/in-her-eyes-2007Like so many of my clients, childhood memories are allusive and the allusivity of them makes them suspect. As someone who relieves childhood experiences through the accounts of family members, I wrote a fiction piece based on some of the stories. 
​
At night she falls asleep to the peaceful sound of quiet.
Her small world revolves around the safety of her bed.
She is awakened by the sound of home as it really is.
During sleep she can believe that the peace is real.
Like believing that the beauty of fresh fallen snow will remain forever.
The laughter that followed the Conqueror and the Conquered in the door
has been replaced with the shrieks of hatred.
The sound of splintering lives is like intermittent peals of thunder.
The others now come in and tell her it's okay.
"Go back to sleep, Baby.  It's alright."
One hides, feigning sleep.
One sits and shakes in her outrage.
Some take another chug or drag or pill.
Each of their hearts are shattering,
like so many glasses thrown and broken into shards on the linoleum.
At some time in the night the quietness has returned.
She shifts in her security to see the others.
The Conqueror lays beside the Maiden.
Why does he lay with the Maiden?
Where is the Conquered?
Never mind.  She's glad he doesn't lay with her.
The sunlight amazingly comes in the morning.
All were unsure whether the sun would shine again.
Downstairs pieces of the broken lives are being swept up.
The Conqueror reassembles the jagged pieces of yesterday.
While the Conquered slumbers.
She is greeted in the morning by a maiden with a sad grin.
"Never mind it all, Baby.  It's alright now."
She smiles wearily wanting to believe.
Finding she has no choice,
she sweeps it away as a new day dawns.]]><![CDATA[​Yesterday Came Calling (2007)]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 17:17:56 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/yesterday-came-calling-2007Yesterday came calling, yet again
You know how it does, like a fair-weather friend.
Sometimes it says how great things appear
Sometimes it whispers failures in the ear.
Can't trust in Yesterday to tell the truth
Today is the day that holds today’s proof.
The past is the past and that's where it should stay
Fear, weakness, and failure, that's not what remains.
To stand and stay there, to stay and be true
What remains is love and assurance too.
That whatever will come and whatever will be
Is all designed and up to me.]]><![CDATA[New Things (2007]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 17:01:13 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/new-things-2007This is a piece about grappling with life's uncertainties and feeling like there must be more.

There comes a time in everyone’s lives
Where they need to consider and decide.
Am I truly all that I can be?
Is there more to me I do not see?

Have I tried or have I not?
Have I run the race?
Have I tried to climb?
Have I fallen to be caught?
Have I tried or have I not?

Remember being as little children
Not afraid at all to explore
Every nook and every cranny
The next best treasure in store

Change is hard and so is growth
Live a life worth living with both
Without either we are just a speck
Of all we could be and effect.

I will run the race,
I will try to climb
I will fall and be caught
By my divine.

]]><![CDATA[Shame (2007)]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 16:46:31 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/shame-2007This is a deeply sad piece for me to read. It is a reminder of my almost instantaneous regret of my impulsive marriage. I was seeing my hopeful decision crumble in front of my eyes, and everyone else’s. I fought for over 20 years.
 
It's amazing, truly, what a person will do
To keep what they really want and shouldn't have.
To keep what they really want and shouldn't have ever had.
The humiliation that burns your cheeks like firebrands
straight from the coals.
The shame of your nakedness before the ones you most admire.
All this and more a person will subject themselves to.
Why?
Why?
Is there not a cool spring to dampen the cheeks and refresh the heart?
Is there not a beautiful robe to cover shame and make presentable?
Yes, there is a spring of refreshment and a robe of presentation.
There is a hope that comes not from wanting what we shouldn't have,
But from receiving what we really need.
​]]><![CDATA[Running (2007)]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 16:19:23 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/running-2007Oh boy...I'm reading this for the first time in decades. I don't know when I wrote this piece, but it was long before I understood that I was in an abusive relationship. At this time, I hope you can decipher, I'm blaming myself. I'm assuming that the problem lies in my ability to connect with my husband at the time. Nothing, I know now, could be farther from the truth. These were his words to me to begin to chisel at my understanding of self. The marriage did not end up the way the last few lines depicted. And oh man...did I try!

"I'm so tired of this"
Isn't that what I say
Every time I feel like just running away.
That's what I'm best at
I wish it weren't true;
Especially good at running from you.
When closeness comes
Up go my shields
I can't risk closeness and all that it yields.
My heart has been broken
By those who knew better
Now it's closed to the one I'm pledged to forever.
My hope is one day
You'll see who I am
And you'll open this heart and hold it in your hand
​.]]><![CDATA[Little Girl (2007)]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 16:16:49 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/little-girl-2007I wrote this back in the day when I mistook God for being a modern day savior. I didn't then understand the power of walking in who he created me to be. I believe now that he equipped (if you believe in this sort of thing) all of us with all that we require to love like him...(which is the most important thing) If we accept who we are made to be and actually activate in that knowledge. I read this now and believe it is a beautiful picture of love, trust, and utter acceptance.

Little Girl
I don't feel you
That's what this is.
I thought I was falling into some abyss.
But today you showed me
in your silence I'm not
Being unfaithful
I forgot.

I must keep walking,
believing your devotion.
Your loyalty has nothing to do with emotion.
I'm not failing just growing so weak,
It's you I seek.

The times when I can't reach out to You,
When your child is feeble and lets go
It's staggering to know you're holding my hand
In my frailty your strength you show.

Then I'm standing
because you have said
In my feebleness
You will stand in my stead.
Jumping, laughing, dancing,
watch me twirl
Now I know the victory
Of being your little girl.]]><![CDATA[Truth (2007)]]>Sat, 04 Dec 2021 16:12:10 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/truth-2007I wrote this when I was disenchanted with my now long-gone marriage. I was lied to by media, society, church, and people in general. So, the shattering referred to in this piece is about the pain of reality. And I'd like to add that we also carry around not just positive delusions but so many more negative! I challenge you to shatter the delusions of your youth. You are NOT what your negative "tapes" or "voices" want you to believe. Trust me, you can be safe without those negative beliefs! Your little child within doesn't believe that, but, if you can begin to, you'll be free.

We all are made to believe
What others have said is the truth.
When we find their illusions are delusions
It shatters what we believed in our youth.

People are not always what they say.
And the truth is hard to see,
But we can't let that break our hearts,
Remember we are not all free.

People will come and they'll go,
Our families and friends will fail
We can't rely on this world for peace
Look inside your heart and exhale]]><![CDATA[Life (2016)]]>Fri, 01 May 2020 01:41:11 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/life-2016Oh boy, read this today, maybe first time since writing it. I've learned a LOT since initially writing this. I've learned that what I thought was true, he hates himself, is actually the opposite, he cares more for himself than ANYONE else. I've also learned that, yes, he never dealt with his stuff. However, it's not because he hasn't, it's because he can't. And! It's not that he thinks we all feel the same way...rather we should all think like him. I also now know, he never loved me. His love is conditional and that's not any sort of love at all. I've also learned about projection since then, and if you know about projection, you'll see that in this writing. And back then I was mistaken to think that if he understood me things would be different. They were never going to be different! I was right about the fact that he was full of anger. Two feeling narcs have, only two, anger and disappointment. I was right to be proud of any forward momentum considering I was carrying the weight of all of me and him and our kids on my back. And today...I'm so much stronger so there was a point!
​
You know, he says that I use the affair as a crutch to not deal when he points out one of my "issues". Like, when he gets defensive, I say that I can't deal with it because of the affair. Well, not in so many words, but really, just to say that I use it as a crutch is inherently wrong. What does that mean anyway? I'm less tolerant of this stuff then I used to be. No doubt about that. I don't want to go rounds and rounds with him over stuff we've been over before. For Sure. He gets defensive and I think that's because he hates himself, has never really dealt with his stuff and feels like we all feel the same way. It's insulting really.

So I tell him I feel unloved, unconsidered. I tell him that I think that's because he doesn't know what I've been through. He says he understands what I've been through and I tell him, no way. Anyway, the point is that I feel unappreciated. He says he doesn't understand how that can be. He says you really think I don't love you? I tell him I never said that. I believe he loves me but rather that I don't feel loved. He looks perplexed. I tell him that when I tell him my desires, not expectations, I'm quick to point out, that he doesn't do them, in fact, he says, I really just want a puss. Wow, bout knocked me on my butt, that statement. But anyway I say that if that is what it is called when a man hears his wife say that she feels attacked and he turns and owns that and tries to remedy that, then yes, I guess I do want a puss.

I want someone who when he has the power to right something, even if it's just my feelings, even if my feelings are wrong, that isn't the point, he tries to do that. He owns it and loves me unconditionally. He says I play a double standard. He says that I don't give him this same consideration. Is this true? I think about times when he has said that he feels like I'm being….fill in the blank, I'm being attacked. He doesn't say things like, I feel misunderstood, unloved, unappreciated etc. He says things like I feel like a failure. I feel stressed out. He wants me to right that. He expects me to right that. I can't do that. I try to explain that if he doesn't tell me what he wants or needs then I can't fulfill that and even if he does tell me then I need to decide if I will. Not that I'm unwilling per se, but some things may be extremely difficult for me to do, may be even damn near impossible. But I try.

I try to listen to things he wants and do them. I try. So I ask do you feel unloved and he assures me no. So I ask do you feel unappreciated and he says no. So I ask if there is anything that he feels I make him feel that is negative and he can't site any so, I say that I'm doing my job then, so leave me the hell alone.

I'm very angry. I'm angry because I feel that I did us both a disservice. I feel that I didn't represent how this affected me very well, that I was easy on him. That I knew of women who stalked their husbands, who ostracized them, who literally treated them like roommates. I didn't ever make him own it all. Now he thinks I overreact and he thinks he knows how angry I was because of what I exhibited to him. Really just a fraction of what I felt inside. I'm angry because he doesn't give me credit. In that he is misjudging me, demeaning me, not loving me. He says things and I ask him am I characterized by that? Do you really think that's me and he says no. He feels he has to walk on eggshells with me because he is afraid of making me mad. I'm so angry that he deceives me to keep himself safe. I'm angry that I can't be myself, that I can't express how I feel.

I do feel that I deserve a lot more than I get. I feel that if he really knew the things I have come through to bring me to this place and the fact that I'm here and have chosen to be, that he would not sweat the small stuff. That he would really know my heart and meet me where I am, even if he thinks I'm wrong.

I'm clear today. I'm clearer than I've ever been and he wasn't able to shake me. I knew the truth and presented that and that was that. He couldn't twist me up this time. Matter of fact I pointed out that his arguments were all twisted up and didn't make sense. I'm proud of myself.

He is full of un-forgiveness and anger. The problem is that it's at himself. No one can help him with that even though he thinks we should be able to. He thinks in his mind that we should be able to just say let's be happy and we'll just be happy. He also thinks that when I say that this is my life and the affair made me what I am that I'm speaking negative things that I'm going to make happen, do I really want to live like that, he says. Funny, this is my life and I'm hopeful that it will be used for something, otherwise, what's the point?]]><![CDATA[Confused]]>Tue, 13 Jun 2017 22:42:06 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/confused
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Another piece by yours truly. Recently, in my quest to blog more frequently, I've had to make some decisions. One of which was 'what type of a blog do I want to present?' Do I want to simply get my name out there for business purposes or do I want to create something that is an extension of myself. Well, as you may have noticed, if you've followed this, I've chosen to offer myself up on the internet. I do not know the day that this was written. I do know, that the last paragraph indicates that I had already left my toxic relationship. Yet, perhaps you will read between the lines and understand the excruciating decision this was for me and the ultimate confusion that clouded all of my perceptions. 


Confused
I woke up angry this morning. Angry at what or who...I don’t know anymore. I wish I understood what I'm supposed to do. I still can't grasp what happened. How we went from doing better than we ever had before...to feeling like it's over again. A memory came into my mind yesterday of having an argument with him at the Mexican restaurant. I'm sure that's not the only argument we've had where I had to "talk" again. Where I had to make him see what I was saying. How he affects me. I remember it went around and around and around. I remember I called V. I need to make him understand that being the good boy or "doing” all the right things isn't going to make this go away. I wonder why I don't want him to do me any favors, like making just me breakfast. Do I think I'll owe him? How long has this been backsliding? Did I just not notice or did I ignore? I thought if I tried hard enough and was strong enough I could have enough patience and see this thing through. I truly thought he was changing. I mean on the inside. Now I'm thinking he was just changing on the outside. 


How long after you decide to leave do you feel the peace of knowing you did the right thing? How long should a woman feel that she must protect herself in her own marriage? He was just changing on the outside. He may be different on the inside but not enough for me to feel safe with him. I feel like I should protect my heart. But I also feel like I must protect my sanity on some level. That I need to protect myself from getting to the point where I can't make decisions, where I must measure all that I do, just so he doesn't get disappointed in me. I've not been on my toes and have started down the slippery slope of not knowing if I'm losing myself again.

]]><![CDATA[Running]]>Thu, 08 Jun 2017 20:30:00 GMThttp://myjourneycounseling.com/blog/running
Picture
This poem I wrote in 2007...a full 2 years before I was able to actually say goodbye forever. How long it takes sometimes to be able to do the hard things that are right for ourselves.

"I'm so tired of this"

Isn't that what I say

Everytime I feel like just running away.

That's what I'm best at

I wish it weren't true;

Especially good at running from you.

When closeness comes

Up go my shields

I can't risk closeness and all that it yields.

My heart has been broken

By those who knew better

Now it's closed to the one I'm pledged to forever.

My hope is one day

You'll see who I am

And you'll open this heart and hold it in your hand.
]]>